#10 People Who Won’t Let You Over

"Let me over, you dick!"

“Let me over, you dick!” is something I say at least once a day. Now, you shouldn’t always let people over. There are definitely shades of grey in this area.

For instance, if someone sees that a lane is closed and traffic has slowed to accommodate everyone having to get into one lane and this driver decides he’s better than everyone else and shouldn’t have to wait and he drives past all the people merging, right up to the “lane closed” sign and then tries to weasel his way into traffic way up ahead of everyone else who’s been waiting patiently…that guy’s a jerk and should not be let in under any circumstances.

Also, sometimes someone is trying to get over but they think you should be psychic, spending all your mental energy on what they might be thinking, so they don’t turn on their blinker. They just get more and more agitated until they end up honking and giving you  the finger because you didn’t intuit that they wanted over. Fuck those people too.

Oh, and sometimes – when I’m in a really bad mood – and someone’s following the correct procedure to changes lanes but they have a gigantic Escalade (or worse, a mini-van covered in anti-abortion bumper stickers) I won’t let them over either.

But, for the most part, if someone has their signal on and they’ve slowed down in their lane and they’re waiting for someone to let them in – LET THEM IN! What the fuck is wrong with you? What makes you so fucking important that can’t spend 5 fucking seconds accommodating another person? You are the worst kind of person, Person Who Won’t Let Me Over. You are thoughtless, you are certainly NOT civic-ly minded and you are willing to inconvenience me and everyone who has to wait behind me just so you don’t have to do something incredibly minor for someone else, namely – take your foot off of the accelerator for 2 seconds. You, PWWLMO, are worse than Hitler.

#9 Histrionic Teenagers

We're going to sit next to you and talk loudly into your ear on the bus.

So I don’t really have anything in particular against goth teens. Which is to say, I hate precocious, histrionic goth teens as much as I hate any other brand of precocious, histrionic teen. I’m talking about teens who get on the bus and talk really loudly about getting wasted or practicing Wicca, thinking they’re freaking out all the squares. They talk too loud, they laugh too loud and it’s all a pathetically obvious attempt to “shock” people – to create an identity for themselves as an outcast or cut-up.

The reason I hate precocious, histrionic teenagers so much is (duh) because I used to be one myself. When I was 16-19, there was absolutely NO convincing me that I wasn’t the most important person on earth. Treating others with respect and courtesy was completely out of the grasp of my imagination. Teenagers are, after all, mostly sociopaths – criminally self-centered and solipsistic. I’d yell at people in public for wearing Nikes and lecture anyone within earshot about how important vegetarianism and punk-rock were. I was totally and completely insufferable and mostly worse than Hitler.

That’s why I hate seeing these loud, Hot Topic Teens out in public. Just seeing them, just hearing their affected loud-talkin’ makes my face blush red. Seeing them reminds me of how long it took me to grow the fuck up.

#8 People Who Don’t Like Dogs

Why don't you like me?

There’s a lot of things to hate in this world. In fact, I’m spending my time indexing some of the best things to hate in this here blog. But dogs? Really? Do you also hate love and warmth and sheet cake? You big fucking jerk.

#7 Smooth Jazz

The soundtrack to my nightmares.

People who tell you they like smooth jazz are really just saying “I don’t care for music”. Except, instead of just saying “I don’t care for music” and alerting us to the possibility that they suck at life – they try to con us into thinking A. that smooth jazz is music and B. that they like it. Basically smooth jazz is a laxative. Or am I the only one who feels a shifting in her intestines when she hears smooth jazz? I refuse to acknowledge the possibility that someone out there is really a smooth jazz enthusiast. And if they are, truly – then you know what they are. They’re worse than Hitler.

#6 Sarah Palin

We're fucked.

Yeah, this doesn’t require all that much explanation. If you don’t already think Sarah Palin is worse than Hitler, you’re probably not reading this blog.

#5 – Creationists

This blog is clearly tongue in cheek and uses hyperbole to get a laugh. Not so with this entry. Creationists might really be worse than Hitler. And yes I’m including the whole Intelligent Design contingent in this assessment. In fact, Intelligent Design folks are worse since theirs is an obvious and cynical attempt to re-brand Creationism and make it sound like a real theory.

If people want to disregard science, that’s fine. But I don’t think they should be allowed to pick and choose which scientific discoveries are of use to them. Creationists shouldn’t be allowed to use microwaves, computers, prescription drugs or bunsen burners. If they don’t like science and logic – fuck ‘em. Let them live in the stone ages with Jesus and his pet dinosaur.

The thing with Creationists is that logic makes no impact on them. There’s a great line Arnold Schwarzenegger has in the otherwise wretched movie Twins. He says “You have no respect for logic. I have no respect for people who have no respect for logic.” and then he throws the logic hater into a wall.

I could write a thesis on why Creationists are worse than Hitler but in the service of brevity I will say only this: If your beliefs are so narrow and your mind so unenlightened that you can’t make sense of the idea that the book you believe in was written hundreds of years ago, before people understood geology and astronomy, and therefore might not be completely factual in every single way – then you, sir, are worse than Hitler. If you are so pig-headed that you can’t make room in your belief system for new ideas and theories supported by evidence and logic then you, yes you, are worse than Hitler. If you are homeschooling your kids to ensure that you raise yet another generation of ignorant twats, dragging our culture and country down into the muck of ignorance, then you – you stupid fuck – are Worse. Than. Hitler.

#4 – Horrible Moms

This lady's a genius.

It’s not just that they get in your way with their $1000 strollers. It’s not just that the second they pop out a kid they suddenly turn Conservative with a capital C and install V-chips and foam padding on everything. It’s not even that they hold up the line while asking their non-verbal baby “What would you like to drink sweetie? Hmm? – Isn’t she just the sweetest? You want apple juice sweetie?” It’s that they expect you to find it all adorable.

I’m not talking about cool moms. I’m talking about Horrible Moms. Moms who act like they’re the first to ever give birth. Moms whose personality disappears the moment they give birth and they buy a pair of reverse-cut jeans, a granny bra and become the generic “Mom”. These moms, when their slobbering children crawl under your table at a restaurant, just smile beatifically at you and give you the “Aren’t kids just the cutest things?” kind of look when what you really want is for this pink-sweatshirted bitch to get her fucking rugrat out from underneath your table where she’s banging on your shins with a spoon. When you’re late for the bus and some preggers lady is pushing her test-tube miracle babies down the sidewalk in a stroller the size of an SUV, you know you’re up against a Horrible Mom. A Horrible Mom who might just be worse than Hitler.

#3 – The Misuse of the Word “Literally”

"Cars were literally flying down the road."

I’m surely not the only person who’s noticed the irritating bullshit that is people using the word “literally” to mean, literally, the opposite of what the word “literally” literally means. There’s this awesome blog for instance.

David Cross has complained about this on his album “Shut Up You Fucking Baby!”. Maybe the supercilious English major you know has complained to you about this. But for fuck’s sake! Misusing a word?  Not such a big deal. Using a word to mean the exact opposite of what the word means? That’s worse than Hitler. It’s literally worse than Hitler.

#2 – Nü Metal

The face of crappy music

The problem with Nü Metal is, yeah, it sucks – but it makes people think twice about good music too. For example, a friend of mine looked askance at me when Reggie & the Full Effect came up on my ipod one day. R&tFE is band notable for housing the keyboardist from the Get Up Kids and vocals from Sean Ingram of Cave In and sometimes Matt Pryor of the Get Up Kids as well as ex-From Autumn to Ashes singer Ben Perri. They’re a goofy band but a good one. They play all different styles of music: metal, electronic, pop and their standard style which I would describe as metal power chords with emo lyrics, keyboards and occasional vocals from one of hardcore’s greatest screamers. At any rate, they’re a band with street cred, excellent skill and they never take themselves seriously. Unfortunately, Nü Metal’s disgusting stain on music

#1 – People who say “Happy Valentimes”

Why do people do this? I’m not classist but I did grow up in the Midwest. It was there I noticed that the more mullet you have on your Early Man head, the more Lee Press-On Nails glued to your sausage-fingers, the more Woolworth’s perfume you dump on your potato-like frame – the more likely you are to say “Happy Valentimes“. It’s “tines“. Like on a fork? You know – the thing you eat with? Oh, nevermind.